Topic for Funny stuff

Here is topic for jokes and other funny stuff and here is first joke especially for blonds...

i think I'll get spanked for this but , here it comes

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know
five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Repe

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

A little girl walked to the counter in a pet shop and stares seriously at the man behind the counter.

"Please Thir, do you sell fluffy bunny wabbits?"

The pet shop owner was very keen not to scare the little girl, who was so small.
So he came around to the front of the counter and kneeled down so that he could talk to her face to face.

"Of course, little girl, we have "fluffy bunny wabbits".
We have Brown Bunnies, White Bunnies or even Spotted bunny Wabbits",
What colour would you like?"

The girl looked at the pet shop owner and said, "I don't think my python really cares what colour phu***** wabbit is".

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”
The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first guy answers, “Chicago.”
“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”
“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.
“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”
''951.”
“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”
“ John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”

The Fisherman
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help.

The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man started, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1,000 if you save her!"

The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] okay, bud, where's my 'grand'?"

"But, this is my mother-in-law!"

The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Okay, how much do I owe you?"

who says that this bruce Lee is dead? the legend never died!

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.













1. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.







2. Say "silk" five times.
Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?






Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.








4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?








Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.





5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?








Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!








PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions

Wooohooo there is hope for my little brain cell
I only got the cow question wrong, dunno why but i always say milk no matter what they ask me before that question

I got that one "wrong" too Maja.. but... I think the answer is flawed.. baby cows drink milk!

Our brain works perfect, they should be more detailed in their questions and tell us how old the cow in question is hihihih

Hahahaha that's right Maja! We're the smart ones! Geesh.. look what we have to work with!
LOL

Two priests

Two priests attend the same church every Sunday. One drives and one rides a bike. One Sunday, the bike rider shows up without his bike.

The first priest asks, "Where is your bike?" The second answers, "I don't know if it was stolen or simply lost."

The first priest says, "Just recite the 10 Commandments when you are alone. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you will get your bike back."

The next week, the second priest shows up with his bike. The first priest says, "See I told you it would work." The second priest says, "It sure did. When I got to Thou Shall not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."


Trust A Friend

A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?", he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."

a guy enters a bar nd takes a place at the window.
then the bartender comes along and ask what he wants.
the guy repleys 18 beers please.
afther 1our the guy ask the bartender can i have an other 18 please.
at that moment the bartender asks the guys in a polyte way.
sorry mister but why do you order 18 beers at the time.

the man replys ..... i've seen the warning at the door.

no beer under 18 !!!!

a dutch and a belgium guy are at the beatch.
one of them spots a white dot at the horizon and asks the other he whats that.
says the other whait i take my binoculairs.
Ooo it's a boat should i spell it for you.
yes yes reply's the other.
ok no problem ... boat, b..o...a..t boat
few minits later same thing whats that.
whait i take my binoculairs.
Ooo it's a boat should i spell it for you.
yes yes reply's the other.
ok no problem ... boat, b..o...a..t boat.
again a few minits later.whats that.
whait i take my binoculairs.
Oooo it's a hoovercraft.
should i spell it for you.
yes yes reply's the other.
hoovercraft.. h...o..oo. stops whait let me look again with my binoculars.
nope its a boat b...o..a..t

LOL......VERY LOL

this is very funny..
http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv
kisses
Jen

hahaha funy.
now you see how polite these younsters are they rather have a joke then standing up to let him sit down.

hahaha. my o my

https://servimg.com/images.php?cat_id=0

take a look at this guy.

http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/22456/88eda2c2/downhill_boarden.html